| So it's been a while |
[Dec. 21st, 2007|09:44 pm] |
I haven't written in forever - and I'd normally use the excuse that it was because someone got really mad at me a while back for writing what I felt and so I stopped writing. Well, I decided to write again 'cause frankly I've stopped caring about that situation. I think its coming to a point where I need to let out some of this emotional crap before it kicks my butt... so here is the shortened version - because I do need to sleep tonight.
My grandmother has terminal cancer as I may have mentioned before. However, now it is to the point where she could go at any time. She's still stubborn and feisty at times and now her dementia is accelerating too. She says stuff she would have never said before and sometimes doesn't really mean it. She's like a little kid with attitude. She's in a nursing home now and my parents guilted me into living here in her apartment with the dog. The dog couldnt come to our house because the cat wanted to make mince meat out of his face. So here I am, living here in my grandmother's house with all of the memories with none of my stuff from home by myself for the dog. I told my parents I didnt want to live here and I'd be sacrificing my happiness for the dog's happiness and they told me I'd probably be sacrificing the dog if I didn't live here with him because theyd have to take him to a shelter and as old as he is and as undisciplined as he is, hed probably be put down/unadoptable. I'm not a dog person and sometimes I think I loathe him... I understand that yes hes probably greiving and i understand that his life is changing and he doesnt understand why... but so am I... and no one is forcing someone else to live with me, to comfort me. Yes I'm feeling selfish, so sue me. I dislike drooling, barking, smelling/being smelled, chewing *on my socks*... dogs are a pain in the butt. I miss my cat like nobody's business. So anyway, back to my grandmother in the nursing home. My uncle and my mother told her she was going to the Augusta Rehabilitation Center to find out what was wrong with her - she doesnt understand she has dementia or cancer and it does no good to tell her every day. She tells us constantly that she feels week and doesnt understand why she feels the way she does. Shes been there for about three weeks now and she keeps saying that she hasn't seen a doctor and she cant see as though they are monitoring her and she doesn't feel she needs to be there. Today she was demanding to go home. She wanted me to press the nurses' button for her so she could tell someone she was leaving - she was under the impression we were taking her home. I told her I wouldn't press the button and she said "Kristen give it to me now." And I told her no. She said she wanted to go home and I told her "I'm sorry" in the most deadpan voice I could muster. I couldn't tell her she wasn't coming home again... because the stupid lie my uncle and mother told her is somehow still sticking in her head - shes being monitored at the rehab center to figure out what is wrong with her and she hasnt seen that they are doing that. She wanted to go home and was all nervous about getting her reading glasses- bringing them with her. she was sitting in the wheelchair and told us she needed to go to the bathroom and so we got a nurse to help her and before he came in I told her she wouldnt need her reading glasses in the bathroom so I'd take them for her and she told me that she'd shove them down my throat if it would just shut me up. She has days where she's cantankerous and she has days where she's really weak and out of it - asking about dead relatives and loved ones. It sucks... and around Thanksgiving I cried a lot about it and Jeremy was there for me 110% and I was so/am so happy to have him around. I take for granted, sometimes, everything he does for me and how much he cares and how strong he is in all aspects of the word. I don't know what I would have done without him. - so there... I'm upset mostly because of my grandmother being terminally ill and having to live here at her apt with her unruly dog without the comforts of my home at Christmastime.
Work has been touch and go - meaning I like it, I dont, I like it, I don't care anymore. Right now I'm hovering somewhere between all three. There are days I care a lot and work my butt off and there are days I don't care at all and do nothing and there are days where I hate everything about it and just blow up at those around me. Retail is not my place and I'm looking elsewhere - non profit/helping-type organizations. I've also applied for the department head of Paint - don't ask me why, I'd probably be shooting myself in the foot to take it, but I'm in the cue anyway.
I really get antsy and kinda dreamy/nostalgic in the winter. I've noticed that my mood is much like last year where i just want to get out and go - move out and make a place for myself away from my parents ... have a home of my own. I've been day dreaming about apartments, however working at HOme Depot has made me dream more about owning my own home and decorating it to suit my fancy. If only I had a spare $150000... *sigh*.
Anyway thats a snippet of my life and MAYBE I'll update more regularly but no promises. |
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| updating and stuff |
[Sep. 4th, 2007|05:57 pm] |
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The last month or so has been pretty hectic. I've had to make plans with people, meetings were scheduled and different extra curricular things took up the time I used to take up with random stuff like LJ and myspace surveys. Jeremy and I have been doing well. The marathon conversations have lessened but we have definately have found stuff to take up our time. I love the fact that he can sing and he sings to me! I'm so tired right now that its probably pointless for me to be writing. Working 5-2 most days will do that to ya. Ben and Melissa's wedding on the 18th of August was nice and it was the longest recption ever. I came back broken... and I'm still kinda broken actually *sigh*. Work has been crazy and one of my co-workers has been dealing with the death of her brother and hasn't been at work and that's left us understaffed. My hip and back have been bugging me. I'm thinking about asking to see a massage therapist or a chiropractor. I had Rusty from work kinda check out my back briefly and he didn't like the curvature of my spine. *hes a paramedic*. I dunno I'll ask about it I guess. I feel like I have no time for me and even when I try to make it it just kinda RUNS away from me. *sigh* anyway I need to do something that doesn't require me to think... turn my brain off NOW. |
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| An update - cause I can |
[Aug. 4th, 2007|11:36 pm] |
I decided that it's been a while since I've written anything. So I guess I'll throw in a little bit about my life and what is going on. Ken still isnt and probably wont talk to me. *shrugs* his loss I suppose. Work is SLOW and I'm finding it hard to get myself through the work day, not to mention that I am totally unmotivated to do anything besides mix paint and help customers... what front and face what aisles? I'm hoping spiritual things are starting to figure themselves out. My mouth is killing me... I think due to wisdom teeth. Things with Jeremy are doing well. Hmm perhaps I should spend a bit more time on each of these things.
Well I suppose the Ken thing is pretty self-explainatory. He just wont talk to me... that simple. He hasn't sent any of my stuff back to me... but I figure I'll just cut my losses and run... no sense looking back, won't do me any good.
Work... we were crazy busy back around the 4th of July. Right after the 4th of July rush died down we had the inventory craziness where all of the managers got NO sleep for like three weeks straight and we had to constantly count and tag items in the department. Me and my number dyslexia were enjoying that whole experience... you have no idea. I feel like the management went crazy over nothing... they spazzed out about how stressful the inventory day(s) would be and then it was so easy... there was really nothing to it on our end... it was up to the people counting the product. I've had some crazy weeks lately... I had a 10 day stretch with no days off... that was unfun. Then I had an entire week of closing shifts where I worked opposite Jeremy *he opens monday-friday* and now again... I will be having 10 straight days of shifts... the next 5 being closing shifts *sigh*. Ummm ummm umm... so yeah now that inventory is done there's not really much to do... everything is nicely stocked, the night crew has been awesome the last few weeks since Nick left and they leave little in the way of stupid things to clean up. Most of my customers have been nice... I guess the angry ones were just that way cuase they were nerved up about their house being pristine for the 4th or something weird like that. *shrugs* I just know its been slow and I've been unmotivated due to crappy shifts and little sleep.
I met with Thom on Thursday and I kinda told him about a few things that have been troubling me. We decided that we could use my creativity once in a while - perhaps once a month - and I could do pictures, slides or what not for the service. I might get back with the youth group and I might go on the adult mission trip in the spring. I have another "talk" with Thom schedlued for next month and so hopefully I can learn to like him better and help to replace/repair that void that appeared when jan and mike left. I need to learn to trust him like I did them... I need to let him be my pastor/councelor like I did with Jan. Its gonna be hard but maybe I can make it work... *shrugs*
I have a wisdom tooth *or a canker in that very spot* that is just driving me crazy. It hurts to talk and to eat and my mouth is constantly dry. It stings/throbs all day and is just plain a pain in the ... mouth. I'm gonna wait it out for a bit to see if it dies out like a canker would or if it just gets worse or stays constant.. then I suppose I'll have to crack and have it pulled.
Jeremy and I have been doing well despite the schedule we are on. He has a set schedule at work... Monday-Friday 5 to 2. Mine is all over the place... but mostly I close. It kinda sucks. We see each other in passing as he punches out, I punch in. He comes to see me on many of my dinner/lunch breaks though and we grab something to eat together. He also thinks we NEED to talk every day which is also my philosophy so the days we don't meet for a lunch break, we talk on the phone. Communication is key... and its what I've been looking for you have no idea how happy it makes me that he insists we talk daily. BTW Jeremy is totally a romancer, he bought me a flower on my lunch break one day, he sang to me/for me in the car inbetween sweet little kisses, he took me on a picnic, he insists on paying for everything, opens doors for me ect... I'm being so spoiled and I love every minute of it! I met his dad yesterday *though his dad does not know who or what I am in relation to his son* but I think he got the picture anyway cause Jeremy's mom called him up lastnight very interested in talking to him... he decided not to tell her anything until we all get together on Monday for dinner. Leave her hanging lol. We have so many things that we're totally in sync on - our sense of humor, the way we think about things *always*, our emotional compatibility is crazy, we're both really observant and aware of both physical and emotional signs each other sends... we both know what we want in a relationship and we both know who we are and what things we're willing to compromise and what we aren't. We both have similar reasons for doing things we do *like his reason for leaving the army and my reason for deciding against ordained ministry*, we both are ambitious homebodies.... but I think we almost movtivate each other to get out and do something and go somewhere together. Its really all about communication and trust... I really trust him... like more than I think I ever have with anyone else i've actually dated. I think its because I know his "experiemtal" stage is over. He knows who he is, he knows what he wants and he knows what he will and wont do. I know most of these things as well and I trust that he won't hurt me with whatever he does. I've always been scared of someone just blatantly breaking my trust with his actions.... but right now I'm not.... and I really really really really like that. I dont NEED to know what he's doing, I dont NEED anything... I don't ask much of him really... and I get so much more than what I expect or require... I feel like I don't give enough in return... what do you get for a guy??? Do I get him a rose!? lol. He told me I do plenty - by wanting to talk to him, by wanting to see him... but I feel like I should be doing more. I have done a few things - I have a few romancing tricks up my sleeve, but I feel like I should do more. I'll have to get my gears crankin'.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway. I should go to bed.
Na nights |
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| Entry because I feel like it |
[Jul. 24th, 2007|11:44 am] |
I haven't written in the last week or so because someone chastized me for doing so... but I thought about it and I decided and I still want to write so I am going to.
I was insensitive a few days ago and put up an away message saying that I was happier than I have been in YEARS. When I thought about the insensitivity of it I removed it, however Ken noticed it and I received a hurtful message in retalliation. I can't say that I didn't deserve it... what I had written was hurtful, and if I could, I would appologize to Ken however he has blocked me from his life... I guess I feel like I have to explain myself, not that I think it will mend any fences or broken hearts, but I feel that maybe I need to put the truth out there even if he seems to think every word I have to say is a lie.
I did feel happy over the last couple of years, I didn't know that I could be any happier than what I was feeling - and maybe I'm no happier now than I was last year... but somewhere along the line I stopped feeling happiness on a consistent basis. That may be why I was flaunting my happiness a few days ago... cause it had been a feeling I had trouble holding on to over the last several months. There were very happy moments, loving moments, extremely silly moments. There were moments that made my heart skip a beat, there were moments that I never thought I could get any happier... but the happiness always seemed to slip through my fingers even when I tried to hold on to it. I can't make excuses for my feelings, for my lack of ability or anything. I can only apologize for the damage it caused. I still care... if I didn't still care I wouldn't bother writing this. It was never my intention for Ken to hurt that much - for either of us to hurt that much - or at all. You don't go into love thinking its going to fail or hoping that it will. You don't lie to the person you intend to marry - and ya know... If I lied to him at all I was lying to myself as well. If that makes any sense at all... I hope that he reads this and can find it in his heart to forgive me or at least not hate me.
Thats all I had to say... |
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| I have taken a friend's advice |
[Jul. 17th, 2007|01:05 am] |
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The one month rule it is... after the initial disappointment of it... I know its what I need and what is right for me to do. |
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| ok... done |
[Jul. 16th, 2007|12:17 am] |
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*inserts foot in mouth, chokes on her own words* |
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| So I was thinkin... |
[Jul. 13th, 2007|12:36 am] |
I talked to Doug *the HR manager* today about what would happen to my job if I went on the mission trip with the church in March. He said I had options - either way my job would still be ready and waiting for my return - wouldn't lose my job if I chose to go. Hmm... now if only I knew how much the adult mission trip would cost. I also asked him about the "giving back" to the community that home depot supposedly does. He aid that there have been a couple of them recently and he was sorry that I didn't hear anything about them. He said that the volunteer coordinator for our store recently left and the position is open *wink wink*. I told him I might be interested if I knew what it consisted of. He said he would also let me know about any upcoming projects. I told him that I would like to be involved and he said he would like me to be involved. After he left I was thinking about how it might be a good step to be a volunteer coordinator for Home Depot - big name company and it would be doing something I might be interested in doing later on in non-profit later on. My interest has been sparked.
On to other work related news. There has been mild coaxing for me to want to advance my career in the Depot. Mostly Wil said he wanted me to adopt more skus and show them what I am made of and give me a chance, if I wanted, to advance my career at the Home Depot. I think I'm torn about 50-50 on that one. Part of me obviously wants more pay and I like having responsibility and I like being recognized for the work that I do... but i have come to learn that the department supervisor job is a thankless position. Your employees complain/rant to you and the management above you do the same. I've also heard a rumor that the pay increase isnt very much either. I like doing a good job and I think part of that also makes me want to stay as a regular associate. As a department head I would expect, of myself, to have knowledge of every product on my shelf, inside and out. I do not want to be the supervisor of a department and be saying " I dont know" As a customer, the manager of the dpartment saying that would tell me that NO ONE in the store knows what they're talking about. Another reason I don't know if id want to be department head is because i just cant deal with stupid people. I believe that rules are made to be followed and customers should be expected to suck it up and deal with the store policies. I'm sorry, you can't return this paint because you chose the wrong color, see the label right here? It says "not returnable". There was a woman that called up a while back who bought paint a day before our sale began. She demanded to have us give her the discount. To me thats obviously a "no, you chose the wrong day to buy your paint, check the papers next time" lol I'd probably be more likely to tell her "No, I'm sorry we're unable to do that, the sale started the next day and we don't have control over the Behr product and when that specific company decides to start and end their sales. We can't give you the sale price since you didn't buy it during the sale" but instead, I called a manager and the manager said yeah, sure, how many gallons did she bye? UGH. I realize that every customer with a "bad" experience leaves teh store and tells 10 to 20 people and I realize thatevery person that leaves the store with a positive experience will tell only a small few... but people really just have to not be stupid. I really get angry with people when I know they're taking advantage of me/the system. I get angry because it makes the associates look stupid when things get returned that shouldnt be and when the returns associate says "no we cant" and the manager says "yes we can" or when the paint desk associate says "no we cant make a glidden color in behr" and then the manager says "yes we can." I think if you make a policy - you stick to it. Have I mentioned I am an unwavering rule follower? hehheh.
I was going to go elsewhere with the rest of this blog... but I dunno... I think all I will say is that my emotional state is doing well and I think that, though I still wonder how long I plan want to take before I get back into the game, I am closer than I thought I would be after such devastating things have taken place.
Goodnight all |
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| What to do with me? |
[Jul. 12th, 2007|11:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  uncomfortable | ] |
I guess now that I'm over the initial miserable-ness of this whole situation I need to figure out what I want to do with me/for me. Everyone knows I'm a planner - always looking ahead and having trouble with the here and now... so what is it that I can plan? Obviously for the more immediate situations... I plan to commit to nothing in the relationship department for a while. I need to heal.. its that simple. I don't mind getting to know people, explore the casual dating scene that I never explored before hand... but thats about as far as it goes. I want to take time to remember who single me is. I kinda miss the person I am when I'm single... I like ME better that way. I'm not necessarily comfortable being single but I feel like a better more caring, generous person when I am single and have the time and ability to devote myself to others. I think what scares me about being single is that at the end of the day I have no one there to appreciate me and the things that I do - I have no one to love me for that person that I am. I need to love me for the person I am again. I like me... but I need to love me. I hate the idea of being selfish... but right now is the time to do that - no questions.
Anyway... so what I've been thinking is that I need to break out of my 'comfortable' little box that I've erected for myself. I want to do something out of the norm for me. Road trip? Hike the Appalachian? Travel abroad? Visit half a zillion amusement parks? Follow my dreams? I really just need a release with something adventurous. I just don't know what adventure I want to pursue and at the moment, unless I want to be unemployed I can't really go on any more than a two day adventure. Maybe I want my employment to be my adventure? I dont know.
I'm just really confused... between the emotional crap and the desires to do other and new things. I guess thats the normal place to be considering the situation. I really question what is in the future for me... I don't like being single... but I like who I am when I am single. I turn into a monster in relationships. Does that mean I shouldn't look for them? Well I shouldn't anyway... I should let the relationship come to me on its own... this whole pursuit thing is for the birds. I'm tired of guys changing for me... I'm tired of changing for guys... I dont intend to, they dont intend to... but for some stupid reason it happens. It just means that when I find the right person... change will be as minimal as possible... because I dont believe you should change your values or your own personal beliefs for ANYONE. Do not neglect you for someone else. I can't neglect me.
I'm really in a weird place. Ive bounced back and fourth on an emotional yo yo and there are situations staring me in the face that I'm just not even ready to look at yet. I don't want to deal with it... but I have to *all of it... and its not just one thing*. Im already feeling restless... like I shouldn't be here in my parents house now. I was gonna be here, working at Home Depot til I got married. Now what am I gonna do? I'm not gonna live here forever, I can't be a leach. I can't really afford to move out even making the decent amount per hour that I make... stupid car/insurance/loans. I need to figure out what I want to do... where I need/want to be. I have nothing holding me back besides me.
Gotta let it all go. |
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| The End Was Near |
[Jul. 7th, 2007|11:45 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Living room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "hey there delilah" | ] |
These last few days have been really trying. Ken and I broke up this morning... kinda upon a mutual decision. As much as we both wanted a fix for the situation... there really wasn't one to be made. He needed to find himself again, I needed someone who was going to be reliable and there for me - as close as possible. What is really hard right now... is that I honestly don't hate him. I still love him. I want only the best for him in the future, and I hope he finds what he needs to find. It would make this so much easier if I did hate him... Id have a reason to let go. Heck it hasnt been a full 24 hours... if I fully let go already Id be a horrible person. However... what I mean is... I dont really have a reason to be mad at him, to want to turn my back and run the other way. So I think Im still lingering somewhere between love and singledom and its gonna be hard to remove myself from that point. I'm not sure it has fully sunk in... I was all prepared for it to happen... but now that it has I still have to keep reminding myself that i cant just call him or IM him and expect him to be there for me... obviously he's hurting too. I really wished I could tell him that we'd still be friends... but there are several things standing in the way of that... but maybe we could. I just didn't want to promise that because in the past it hasn't happened for me. I only have one or two ex's I talk to on an infrequent basis... and none of those were the long term type of relationship. I do want what's best for him, whatever that is, I'm not sure. He has a good heart... he deserves one in return. *tears*
Ive had random moments today where just something stupid will strike me and I'll bawl for a few minutes. Im sure if I hadnt been at work, at the paint desk where people could see or hear me... I would have cried a lot longer. It really sucked when three people in a row ordered the color "bridal veil" I lost it. Then "Hey Delilah" came on over the store speakers and nooooooooooooooo... not helpful. I got a few hugs today, that was nice... Maurice and Cheryl were my councilors. I almost cried when Maurice hugged me... probably cause we were outside and no one else was around - I could let my guard down a little. I really wish Id gotten a moment to talk to Wil... I think it would have been helpful. Before our nightly meeting I heard him on the phone with his wife and it was just so cute the way he talked to her... made me think about how much I wanted something like that... kinda made me think about relationships and marriage again...
This entire situation with Ken made me realize how much stronger I am than I was a few years back when the same thing happened with Josh. It really was the same thing. Ken basically molded himself to fit the mold I wanted for the guy I wanted to date... eventually he outgrew the mold and decided hed rather fit his own mold of the guy he wants to be. However, I didn't know this guy... Id gotten used to the other one... which caused the problem. When Josh did that I accused him of lying to me, for not being truthful to me... in short I was horrible to him. I realized today, how much Ive grown and have obtained the ability to, even while hurting considerably, to see the other side and also not place full blame on the other party. Neither Ken nor Josh changed because they wanted to deceive me... they changed be cause they loved me and they wanted me to love them back. Obviously another one of the major changes is... I'm not suicidal, nor do I see that coming in the near future. I know that it sucks and hurts horribly right now... and probably will for a while... but I'll feel better eventually... and its not the end of my life - or the world. I've been through this before. I believe that there has to be someone out there who fits the bill without having to mold himself to what I want... no modling required... hes gotta exist. Maybe the past will come back to suprise me - maybe its not the end... heck I dont really know. If I had all of the answers I wouldn't be in this predicament right now, now would I?
People I havent heard from in years have reached out to me with a message or two, telling me they're there for me, thinking about me and what not. It means a lot... and I guess its also suprising to see how many people are paying attention.
I'm kinda rambling and I dont really know where to go and what to do. I known if I keep my mind and eyes occupied I dont cry so much, I don't hurt so much, I don't feel so much. Perhaps sleep will come? Doubtful... but I should attempt it. |
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| Wish I knew what was going on... |
[Jul. 5th, 2007|07:44 pm] |
Over the last couple of weeks I have had moments of clairity - moments where I havent felt like a nervous wreck... where I haven't felt like everything I took so much precous time to build is gonna come crashing down on me at any moment. This is not one of those moments. I'm just really scared that I screwed up and that there is no solution for fixing it. I'm afraid that maybe the other person involved might decide not to let me have the option to try and fix what I messed up. If there is a solution, I want to find it. In a perfect world... there are perfect people - in an imperfect world - which is what this world is - there are imperfect people. No one is perfect - and damn it - I know I'm not. All I can do is be honest, be open to listen, show my love and give of myself what I can. I dont even know where things stand right now... in almost every aspect of my life. I know God is there... I've been told, and I tell myself, but I dont feel His presence. I work at Home Depot at the paint desk and make too little to support myself outside of my parents' house. Where do I go from here? My grandmother is dying of cancer. I dont have much time for a social life. My personal relationships are suffering. My sanity is suffering. My health isnt the greatest right now. My mental/spiritual/physical self is crumbling - the pyramid is falling in on itself. I want to rebuild - to take all of the parts I currently have, give them new nails, new paint, new accessories... make everything look and feel new and good and in working order again. I just dont know how to do that. I feel very alone and scared. That's not a good place for a worrier like me to be... cause I can invent worry out of anything. THis entire note is an invention of my worry. There is no one online to talk to ... and I feel that recently Ive relied on too many. I feel right now i may not even have any reason to worry - but that might just be me being idealistic to help myself calm down. I just dont know how patient I can be. I'm a nervous wreck, and its affecting every aspect of my life. There are reasons for my nervousness - which I shall keep to myself for now.
I just ask for your prayers and perhaps a shoulder to cry on if need be, or a listening ear sometime in the near future. |
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| Contemplating, reading and quiet |
[Jun. 21st, 2007|06:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
It has been a very rough couple of weeks for me. Without going into a lot of detail, I almost broke up with Ken. We had two very major fights *to me* in the past two weeks and I have had a hard time dealing with the emotional reprocussions of them. I'm not one to whine to everyone about how I'm feeling, heck probably only three or four people even know that I've been upset or even what I've been upset about. I always used to run to my faith, and I tried this time, I tried to hold on, I tried to be strong. My faith, however, has been part of the problem. I don't know where I am or what I believe, what I feel, where God is in my life... I don't know anything right now. It confuses Ken - scares him. It confuses me - scares me. I really did a lot of thinking when I got back from Farmington today. *and yes btw Ken and I are ok... we talked yesterday while I was there and we're working on working things out* but obviously a few words aren't gonna change things over night. I want to believe it all and maybe I do... but I want to see it before I can let go of it and not get hurt again. It doesn't just work that way in my mortal relationships either. It works that way for my spiritual relationship with God. Kathleen and I had talked several weeks back and she told me she felt that I was angry at God. That might be part of it. I think more, that I'm scared that God will take away those whom I have grown closest to yet again. Four of the most important people in my life were taken away from me two summers ago. They're still alive, I could still talk to them... and I do - at least one of them still talks to me back. However... my spiritual life changed. For me, my community has helped me find my faith... I'm not saying that I believe the same as that community because if they asked me... they'd probably find that I dont on several things. However, talking with my community - the congregation, my christian friends, helps me to see and hear what it is I believe. Without conversation I don't really know where it is I stand. When someone says "I beleive this" or "God does this" I can make the decision on whether or not I beleive what they say. I've always seen God through other people, how they reach out to others - a kind word, a helpful gesture, a smile that warms the heart = caring. I want to be that person as well - I wan to care and normally I do. I see God in nature as well and today I sat outside in the grass, sang, listened and waited for the signs to come to me. As much as I would like to say that God has come crashing back into my life like a tidal wave... I can't say that. I will say that there is a stirring, like I'm more willing to search now, where as I was scared before. I want the answer - where has God gone in my life, why didnt I want to feel him and how do I begin to feel again? When I get hurt I shut off my emotional feelers to protect myself... I think I did that with God too. God hurt me by taking away my friends, my pastors, my church, my worship... I shut off. I hurt me by shutting off. I'm working by trying to turn me back on.
Much to the dismay and advice of others... I decided to read a book. I haven't gotten all the way through it yet - I've only read about 40 pages. However... it helped me to throw Wesley's view of perfection straight out the window - thank God cause its too stuffy for me. It helped me to see that Jesus loved the outcast, the outsider, the people that the righteous didn't love. I don't want to be the stereotype, I dont want to be a scary christian standing on my highhorse judging everyone who so much as wears the wrong shirt. Like the author of the book "Messy Spirituality" says... our lives are messy - and God loves us, mess and all. I want people to be who they are, to be genuine, honest, loving, heartfelt, curious, creative, spiritual... whatever it is to make them who they are.... do it. I don't want to be that person who thinks I'm too good to love someone just because they don't love God, I don't want to be that person who thinks that the rest of the world is going to Hell *if there is one, the jury is still out on that for me* because they don't believe in God. I want to genuinely love people for who they are and in the condition they are in. I want to help improve the lives of people if there is improvement to be done... if there is help needed... I want to be there to help. I don't want to help to spread the word of God or Christianity to anyone by helping anyone else... if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't but I'm not gonna go out of my way to preach to those who don't want to hear it. To each his own. I help to help. I don't know if I'll ever actually be a pastor/minister or whatever... I'm not sure I can tell people what to believe unless I believe it myself and I can't stand to have someone telling me what I should or shouldn't believe. I believe how I believe and thats the way it is. Yes... I am stubborn. What I'm really starting to feel is that I have a voice, I have capable hands, I have a creative spirit, I have honesty and integrity... I am a good person. I can be rough around the edges... but ya know what I've been told? God loves me just the way I am. You know what I believe - God loves me just the way I am.
I don't know if any of this entry makes sense. It might have made more sense if I wrote it right after I got back from the Blane Memorial, however I had to go get the dog from the groomers, so this entry is a bit delayed/separated from the thoughts that were there earlier. I do know that I feel better about the space I'm in. A few friends have helped to point out that I need to find my faith for myself... however... finding my faith for myself may not be the same way that someone else may find their faith. We all have our different ways, our different beliefs, personalities, feelings and quirks. Let me have mine and I'll let you have yours. All I ask is that people accept me for the person I am because I KNOW in my heart that I'm a good person... and I know that I'd still be a good person with or without God in my life. I was a good person before and I'm a good person now. - THE END |
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| Bear Grylls and Christianity |
[Jun. 18th, 2007|12:21 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | My Room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
Ok, first let me start off by saying - Ben and Melissa... if you have ever suggested this book to me, I'm sorry I didn't listen.
What book?
Let me get to that.
Recently I've been watching a show called Man Vs. Wild on Discovery Channel. Bear Grylls is the guide whom leads viewers through mountain ranges, icy waters, tropical rainforests and Hawaiian volcanoes and shows them how to find their way back to safety and civilization. When I find a TV show I like I tend to go all out because its so rare when I find one I like. I started browsing on the Discovery Channel website and came upon the show page. I read about Bear's life - inspirational at the very least. He was in the Special Forces for the UK and during a Sky Diving accident he broke his back at 21. He was told he may not be able to walk again. At the age of 23 he became the youngest person to reach the top of Mt Everest. He wrote a book about his experience called "The Kid who Climed Everest." That book is in my queue for reading. I already knew all of that stuff about his past before I even encountered the website... what really got me thinking however were his responses to the viewer and fan questions. The first Question/Response that really touched me was his response to the viewer who asked
"Q. What do you always take with you?"
He said
"Flint and striker, so I can light a fire however tough it gets — lifts my spirit always and has often saved my bacon! My Christian faith: high mountains and my time in the military taught me that it takes a proud man to say he needs nothing, and I need my faith. And, finally, a laminated picture of my family tucked inside my shoe."
I think - oooh Christain... I'm intrigued... I keep glancing through the site.
Next, I came upon "Bear's top ten" where fans asked about his top ten books, foods, movies and people. I looked at his list of books and I was suprised. There were two strongly faith based books on his list. One title jumped out at me and that was his #7 which was "Messy Spirituality." I googled the book and read a summary about it and just something told me that I NEED to read that book. The book does not focus on denomination - faith is bigger than that, God is bigger than that. It focuses on faith and spirituality in today's world with today's youth and younger generation. It talks about faith and the struggle to make sense of the teachings of Jesus and applying it to the world of today. The summary says "the church needed to “get over itself” and quit taking itself so seriously. He (the author: Michael Yaconelli) taught that being in love with Jesus was the key to conquering the frustrations of institutionalism and bureaucracy. “What if genuine faith begins with admitting we will never have our act completely together?...
"Messy Spirituality" shows how God’s unconditional and transforming love for us is the essence of true spirituality. It is about loving and being loved—it is not based on the ideas conjured up in human minds that only serve to make us feel like we are never measuring upon conquering the frustrations of institutionalism and bureaucracy."
This summary seems to say exactly what Ive been saying, feeling and what I've been looking for in the past year or two. I'm pretty sure that even the title is exactly what I've been feeling like about my faith and Christianity in general - its all just MESSY. I quickly put it on my amazon wish list... and I may buy it in the next day or two.
So to add to the amazement I felt after finding this book on Bear's list... I started reading through is list of people *past, present, dead or alive* whom he would invite to dinner if he could invite anyone. His #5 person was John Wesley. *melts* Ok... so is God throwing things at me, saying - time to listen, time to watch, time to start paying attention darn it!!!!
I think so.
Ok so I'll buy the book, I'll read it. I'll start looking around for the answers rather than waiting for them to slap me upside the face. I'm really kinda tentative, I admit... is the UMC for me? I dont know. Is there such thing as a transdenominational church? God is a lot bigger than any of these little pittling denominations that claim to know His will... God is the ultimate - much larger than we can ever grasp. However, I need a grasp on my faith. I need to know what I'm doing with it. I need to explore more rather than sitting huddled in the corner waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I'm tired of being scared... so its time to explore this mess I call my faith :-P
Interesting huh? |
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| quickie |
[Jun. 13th, 2007|11:28 pm] |
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I had a bad couple of days... but I'm bouncing back... things are getting better... I think. I know one thing that is better though! I've talked to Caroline twice on the phone this week and we are hanging out tomorrow! I can't wait... God I've missed that girl! I dont think I realized how much I missed her!!!!!! I really need a friend to talk to and hang out with and Its so nice that shes around now so I can finally do that. I miss my roomie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-) |
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| Ultimate personality - everything test |
[Jun. 13th, 2007|11:27 pm] |
The Everything Test There are many different types of tests on the internet today. Personality tests, purity tests, stereotype tests, political tests. But now, there is one test to rule them all. aTraditionally, online tests would ask certain questions about your musical tastes or clothing for a stereotype, your experiences for a purity test, or deep questions for a personality test.We're turning that upside down - all the questions affect all the results, and we've got some innovative results too! Enjoy :-) | Personality | You are more emotional than logical, more concerned about others than concerned about self, more religious than atheist, more loner than dependent, more lazy than workaholic, more traditional than rebel, more artistic mind than engineering mind, more idealist than cynical, more leader than follower, and more introverted than extroverted.
As for specific personality traits, you are religious (87%), innovative (86%), romantic (71%), artistic (67%). | | | Stereotypes | | College Student | 73% | | Prep | 69% | | Punk Rock | 67% | | | | Life Experience | | Sex | 33% | | Substances | 3% | | Travel | 12% | | Politics
Your political views would best be described as Socialist, whom you agree with around 67% of the time. | | Socioeconomic
Your attitude toward life best associates you with Middle Class. You make more than 57% of those who have taken this test, and 54% less than the U.S. average.
| If your life was a movie, it would be rated PG-13.
By the way, your hottness rank is 67%, hotter than 73% of other test takers. | TAKE THE TEST brought to you by thatsurveysite |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 8th, 2007|11:47 pm] |
 | You scored as Emergent/Postmodern, You are Emergent/Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don't think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this.
Emergent/Postmodern | | 86% | Charismatic/Pentecostal | | 75% | Modern Liberal | | 68% | Classical Liberal | | 68% | Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan | | 68% | Neo orthodox | | 54% | Reformed Evangelical | | 43% | Roman Catholic | | 39% | Fundamentalist | | 25% | </td>
What's your theological worldview?
created with QuizFarm.com |
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| Might as well write |
[Jun. 3rd, 2007|10:18 am] |
It has been a while since I've written a substantial post... probably because there hasnt been a whole lot to write about. I've been working full time, nutso hours... I closed lastnight, I'll close again tonight, I'll have Monday off then I open at 5:30 on Tuesday. I just wish they'd keep me ALL opening, ALL closing or ALL midshifts... seriously it is confusing my system. I guess work has been tolerable. The paint department finally has a department head... whom I loathe. He's young and immature, he will not listen to his associates *as he knows little about paint* but he wants us to listen to him. He will disappear for hours following other managers around like a little puppy with his lips planted squarely on their rears. He is the first department head the paint department has ever had that cares about how many mistake paints there are - and he pays attention to who makes them. Ya know what... they have me open fairly often. Ya know what the opener is greated with? Returns from the night before. Ya know how on the label it says "not returnable" after we tint it? Yeah... we'll people put up a big stink and the managers bend right over backwards to keep that customer happy... so they return the paint. But ya know what happens when the opener comes in and has a returned can of tinted paint in the returns cart? He or she has to "oops" it and put it in our marked down mistake paint pile. When you "oops" a can of paint, you have to put your initials on it. So Shane looks at every can and keeps track of people's initials. Oh yeah and here's one I like... you have a customer who comes up to you... she says "I want this color..." so you go and make that color for her. After you get it out and put the sample on the top of the can she says "Oh... I want it darker than that... like this" and it turns out that the color she wants is something that cant be made in a pure white base *of course.... it would be too easy to retint the one you already had* it has to be made in a pastel base. That means that you have to oops the origional thing she asked for. The customer is not obligated to take the paint we make... however once they buy it they're stuck with it... we can retint but they cannot *should not* return or exchange... its our policy. Too bad policy means nothing except for when they want it to mean something. So Shane has lectured both me and Tammamie about oops paints. He made one last weekend and told Tammamie to clean it up. Uh uh, not after you lecture us buddy about our initials being on too many oops paints, I dont care how good you want to look for the managers, you make a mistake you own it buddy. He said "but I dont want to deal with it" and I told him you have to, you made it, we aren't taking care of it. You have to clean it up and oops it out. After about five minutes of arguing I told him what he had to do *cause he didnt know* and he finally oopsed it out. He disappears for hours, when it seems that another person could be useful at the desk. We get slammed, hes no where to be found... unless hes suctioned to the posterior of another manager. He'll bring customers over to me cause he doesn't know the answer and rather than listening to the answer I give to the customer he walks off and does something else, so far away he couldn't listen to what I am saying if he'd tried. He assigned us all aisles to keep clean... however with the amount of work we already have to do... I dont know how we're supposed to keep the aisles clean... we have to clean tints and do the packdown list... I don't commonly get those done... or done in enough time to do something else. He wont keep the tint machine clean. I have found dobs of red in the blue and red in the black and blue in the yellow... he doesnt understand that if you're messy adding the tints you contaminate them with other colors and it makes our paint mixing off so the colors dont match what is on the cards. I left notes in each tint machine saying something like "Keep the machine clean, contaiminated colors = more oops paints, more oops paints = more department markdown" he had Tammamie throw the notes out and he didn't really acknowledge them. The tint machine still gets messy... who cleans it? Not Shane. After his brother reemed him out for not praising us... he started telling us how much eh apprieciated what we did in the dpartment, how hard we worked and what not. Thanks Shane... I would have liked it better had you been sincere and not just done it cause your brother yelled at you. Shane might look good to the management... and how could he not... who doesnt liek having their butt kissed? But hes definately not creating a happy atmosphere for his associates. None of us like him.
Anyway enough ranting about shane... he isnt worth the words or the time I just lost writing them.
I worked on the guest room a couple of days ago. I painted the ceiling, the door, the window and the trim. It looks ok, but the color was definately not as creamy or ivory colored as I had hoped. My mom says that it looks like bright white. I kinda agree. I can tell its more yellow than the primer, but really once the primer is covered the paint is REALLY white still. I waited until the door was dry and closed the door so the ceiling could dry with the window wide open and so the house wouldn't get too cold. Well problem... apparently the door wasn't as dry as I'd thought and when I opened it the next morning some of the paint stuck and now there are gouged places on the top and sides of the door. arg... I might prime/paint the walls on Monday... but since its supposed to be a wash out I might wait til Friday when it migiht be drier.
Last week my engine light came on. It stayed on for two or three days and then I finally called Jax Auto to get it fixed. I called Jax on my lunch break. Right after I hung up the phone I had to leave to go back to work. I got in my car, turned it on... and the light didn't come on. ARG. So anyway. I took it to Jax on Friday. My dad thought that my battery would have to be replaced and that Id have to have engine work done. Turns out all they ended up doing was cleaning some coroscion off my battery and running a check through the comptuer in my car. They said that the car runs periodical scans of its system to make sure that everythign is working correctly. Something might move a little too slowly one time and it will catch it and your engine light will come on. After so many key entries the car will scan its system again. If it doesn't see the problem again the light will go off. He said if the light comes back on, he'll replace the part that he things moved too slowly the first time around... he said however, it seems to be working fine right now. All i ended up paying was the 55 dollar labor charge and 1.65 for the cleaning of my battery lol. Jax is awesom.
I have found a new show I like. Its called Man vs. Wild with Bear Grylls, a former British Special forces person. He travels to different places around the world *the alps, the moab desert, Hawaai's volcanos... ect* and teaches you how to survive if you got lost touring these different places. Its really interesting. I love his voice lol. Yeah and well he isnt bad to look at either... *shh you didnt hear that from me* but its a new favorite. Its on Friday nights at 9. Hmm so is what not to wear. It causes such a dilema. HA HA... no cause the same What Not to Wear episode can be viewed again at 11! :-)
Other than what I've already talked about... life is pretty routine. I work 40 hours a week, talk to Ken almost nightly, visit him every other week or so or more often if I can, I read little cause I'm too tired. I play games on the computer, I visit facebook every timeI check my email... I'm an addict. Really life is routine. I wish I could see Ken more, that we were closer. He doesn't like talking on the phone... he can't come up with stuff to say as well. I don't like talking on the phone when Im the only one talking. I don't have a fix for this right now. *sigh* oh well. Life goes on. |
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| Of course... |
[May. 24th, 2007|10:34 pm] |
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It would have to be on a night where I have to go to sleep early because I work at 5:30am... why is it that on the nights I have to sleep early I lie here contemplating the state of my faith and my future? Can't it wait til another night when I can sleep til whenever? Like Sunday or Tuesday? *grumbles* I need sleep in a bad way... come to me now you elusive sleep! |
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| Day from Hell - sensing a trend? |
[May. 7th, 2007|07:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
So I'm convinced that the people who run Home Depot are retarded... ONE PERSON at the paint desk on a beautiful day... BAD IDEA. I wasn't alone ALL day though... Shane, my new Department Head was there til 2. I have a name for him - "Mr. Ambitious". Normally There is a 2 or 3 page pack down list - stuff that needs to come down out of the overhead and be put out on the shelf. Well Shane decided that he wanted everything that could possibly come out and be filled to come out... and therefore we ended up with a 5 page packdown list, two carts full of product that had to be shelved and then all of our customers, tint canisters and whatever else we had to do. MORE WORK... thats EXACTLY what we need... MORE TO DO. I realize it was his first day... and he'll probably figure out that he required too much of himself and me... but I don't like the fact that he's probably going to kill us both in the process. I also dont like the fact that i was alone after he left... and the paint desk was packed the entire time I was alone 2-6... CONSTANT flow of people. I had one guy that ordered 8 gallons and one quart of paint, a lady that gave me a formula but didnt know the base I needed to make it in, I had another guy who wanted me to tool around with his paint to change the color, I had another guy who needed two gallons of stain, another guy that wanted me to tint gripper grey darker... ect so much at once... I made three oops-es at that time... all within like an hour... it sucked. I paged Wil at one point for help... but he was in a manager's meeting and didnt hear me. I was ready to throw things again... this should not happen at least once a week... its horrible. I told Shane that we needed more peopel in the department and he said that we didnt have enough hours to work with... that to get more hours we needed to sell more product... but I ask you this: how can you sell more product if you dont have enough help to meet the needs of your customers? It seems like a circular process... we're kicking our own butts. Anyway... enough of me complaining... it doesn't do anyone any good cause I just let off steam to those who can't do anything about it... and the ones who can don't really bother/care... Wil cares but he has plenty required of him as well I'm sure. Oh well. I'll deal - somehow, some way. |
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| hmmm |
[Apr. 28th, 2007|08:14 pm] |
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